On social media + addiction
A note: This was an email that went out to the subscribers of Soul Notes. It really hit a nerve with many, so I’ve decided to give it a home here for the time being. If you like reading essays where people admit their faults, embarrassments and missteps while also trying to keep the shame monsters at bay, you should definitely sign up.
It’s Fine! (and other lies I tell myself)
originally published via Soul Notes on November 14th, 2023
This is going to be long and I likely won’t grab your attention in the first 30 seconds, so if you find you can’t read e-mails to the end if they’re more than one paragraph, I get it (and same). And also: this is how social media and our phones kill our attention span.
I don’t know how to concisely strip this down and honestly, I have zero desire to spend what limited energy we all have into putting things into neat little packages. Give me the messy, give me the long, give me the slow.
Almost two weeks ago, I took an Instagram break. If you had been watching, you probably saw it coming, which is like most things in my life because I, like so many other HSP's I know, do not have a poker face.
IG has become an increasing overwhelming place for all humans I know…let alone those of us with sensory processing sensitivity. Not only are we constantly bombarded with flashing videos, people dancing and prancing and doing all sorts of things to get our attention...all of that seemingly airy-fairy stuff lies in deep contrast to devastating images and news and policies from around the globe, hateful rhetoric and the calls for activism, many of which take place on social media. How can one place contain so many multitudes? From Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce (swoon) to people declaring YOU MUST SAY SOMETHING about things you barely have an education on, to racoon memes, to gut-wrenching poetry, to the hottest trends for the holiday season to...
...you feel me? It's just all.so.much. And our brains, our nervous systems, are not equipped.
Social media is also a slippery slope for people who hold hands with addiction. I could get into all of the science about dopamine, but I have nothing to prove here and I know, that you know what I’m saying is true. It’s designed to be addictive. So if you're doomscrolling and finding yourself numbing out - guess what? You're using the app exactly how it's intended to be used. You're not weak and there's nothing wrong with you. For us in the sobriety world, we know that's how alcohol works too. It's an addictive medium...so if you become addicted, well, yeah...you're using it as designed.
I don't really like admitting to this, but, for the last couple of years, I told myself I was fine with my social media (specifically IG) usage - it was fine! I'm fine! Fine, fine, fine. Welcome to denial, the world's most powerful drug.
‘I’m just on here for work!’ - as I scroll mindlessly… comparing myself…looking into the windows of other people's lives when I have my own right in front of me… filtering so many moments of life into “how can I turn this into a story?. And then the algorithm. The stats. What are the numbers? I like to pretend that I don’t care, but I do. We all do. Or at least any of us who use social media as an extension of our business. Anyone who tells me that they feel at peace with their social media relationship, I’m going to assume they’re lying. Maybe I'm projecting…but the only person who I know who's on social media and truly cares nothing about anything is my 71 year old mother-in-law.
So, let's pause here because it isn't all doom and gloom and I wanted to share some of the positives I've been experiencing, in case you're considering a break, but also, so I have something to come back to on the days when I feel myself slipping. I just assume this will happen, because, hi - life is messy, I own a business that operates on a social media platform, and because of the aforementioned TS/TK relationship. All solid reasons why I will likely come back.
The positives:
1) My house is cleaner. Probably not the first one you'd think of and one that I wasn't anticipating either. And, kinda embarrassing but, whoa. Guys, it's a lotcleaner. The laundry isn't piling up as much and it's like my tolerance for physical clutter diminished as I started declutter my digital visual space.
2) Screen time. It went down by 21% the first week, and then an additional 8% in week two. Again, embarrassing...but the numbers don't lie.
3) There is just so much more space in my brain. Those who are sober will relate to this deeply. Since I deleted the app off my phone, I've become aware of how much mental capacity it was taking to be on the app. Just like drinking, we don't often realize how much we think about alcohol until it's removed as a option. Then it just feels kind of gross to realize the amount of mental capacity you were handing over to the management of ethanol. Same with Zuck.
4) The less I want to consume. Again, this one was a bit unexpected. The less I consume, the less I want to consume. Yesterday I went on a walk/run and didn't even listen to a podcast. And I mean, I tried, but I just kept taking out my AirPods out because I wanted to be IN nature. I wanted to be present to watch the squirrels and the reeds blow in the breeze. To be honest, it was kind of wild. I have been walking with a podcast in my ears for years now...so I'm interested to see how this unfolds and if it continues.
5) My creative spark is coming back to life. Thank God. I have papers and papers written out and oodles of ideas overflowing my desk. It feels delightful. It feels magical. Things to write! Things to design! Groups to host! Things to speak! After one walk, I came home and rushed to my computer and ferociously wrote two pages of a keynote I'm giving in May - where has this person been? Where it will all lead to? Who knows. I live in a mind with a million ideas and it's nice to see them all bopping around in there again.
6) I'm happier. Not much to expand on here. I just feel happier. It feels really good to write that, and I also am deeply aware of the privilege in being able to do so.
What I've gathered so far from this research is I do not miss consuming, at all. What I miss is creating and having a place for those creations to land. And I miss connecting. If you've read this far, then bless your soul, and you're also one of the people I likely connected with on a fairly regular basis on IG....and not gonna lie, I really miss that. This world can be lonely for us sober, introverted, wintering folk.
I don't have the answers and I don't know if any of the guardrails that I’m going to put on my usage will work or if they’ll fail miserably. One thing I DO know, is that I can't go back without a plan. Much like the early stages of quitting drinking...if you go into a bar with no plans on how you're going to care for yourself and your sobriety, there's a good chance you're going to walk out with red wine stains on your lips. So until I come up with a plan for how I want to care for myself fiercely on IG, I'm staying out of the fray.
But, you know what else? It’s all research (this is something I learned from my friend Bonnie, (hi Bonnie!) and now say to my clients when they're trying something new, and I swear it helps relieve so much pressure to perform/excel/dominate/win and any other patriarchal soul-killing terms you want to throw in there). It's all one big experiment and it's all research. I’m not going to tie my worthiness or morality to how well I do or don’t do at taming the IG beast, but instead try to be wildly honest with myself. Because I hadn’t been for awhile. IG was deadening my spirit, sense of time, body image and the magic I feel in the world. It didn't feel great to be there for quite some time, but especially the last month, and I drowned out that inner knowing for a while.
How's the social media world been for you lately? Does any of this hit home for you? Any tips you want to share? Respond and I'll respond back. Old school style, no DM's.
We live, we learn, we mess up, we try again.
Here's to being honest and trying again.
Love,
Kristy
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