but the sex was so good…

Remember the ex that you were head over heels in love with?

Maybe the sex was really good. Maybe it was a bit of a fire/ice dynamic.

Remember falling in love with their potential? Like who they could become if only they grew up a bit, matured a bit?

But that’s not who they were. You were in love with their potential, not who they actually were.

Same thing happens when you romanticize alcohol. We are in love with the idea and vision of what we think it’s like with a thin crystal stem between your fingers. Or how refined you’d feel on that $25 glass of rioja. But that’s all dream-land-boyfriend-potential thinking. It’s not based in reality.

The reality is that this fuck boy might be cute, but he’s also a little dough-headed, has wondering eyes and couldn’t keep a promise to save his life.

The reality is that wine might look glamorous, but it also messes with your depression meds, your sleep and stains your teeth. It makes you tipsy and slurs your words and makes you become someone you don’t recognize.

The reality is that he is there for the fun times but as soon as you need him during a low point in your life, he gone and you find him playing pool with his buddies at the dive bar down the street.

The reality is that you give your attention, energy and money to wine…but what is it really giving to you in return? How is it taking care of you when you wake up hot and sweaty the next morning? How is it there for you when you’re trying to save your money and prioritize your health?

That ex was like playing with fire. You never knew when it was going to be good, and you never knew when things were gonna go sideways. The most predictable thing about the relationship was that you’d keep going back thinking ‘he’s changed! This time it’s gonna be different’

This is what moderation makes you believe too. That all the sudden, you’ve figured out how to make alcohol work for you and now that you’ve made it 30 days w/o a drink, your relationship with alcohol has changed! And this time it’s going to be different!

And maybe it will be for a while…but Peter Pans are always kind of Peter Pans. And booze is always going to be an unrequited love story.

You deserve better.

A note: This was essay was originally for the subscribers of Soul Notes. If you like reading essays where people admit their faults, embarrassments and missteps while also trying to keep the shame monsters at bay, you should definitely sign up. In the emails we talk about shame-reduction, sobriety, motherwound healing, grief and anything else that’s asking to be explored.