‘I can’t with her anymore’ - adult daughters who are done trying to heal for two.
This week on IG I asked for your questions around sobriety, motherwound healing and grief. This is the one I picked to answer because I know there's so many others out there that can relate. Make sure to read all the way to the end for some actionable steps you can take if you relate to this question.
Question: I’ve had a shitty relationship with my mom for years. She was (and is) emotionally abusive for as long as I can remember. The older she gets, the worse it feels to deal with her because I’m starting to heal some stuff and she isn’t. I know I shouldn’t, but I feel responsible for her happiness. I feel irritated and avoidant every time she reaches out. EVERYTHING SHE DOES ANNOYS ME. I don’t even know what I’m asking but I’m so sick of feeling this way.
Answer: First and foremost: I’m so sorry that this is the relationship you have with your mom. I know it’s not the kind of relationship you want.
You deserve to feel safe in your relationships. Emotional abuse is still abuse. When it comes to mom stuff this is verrrry tricky to work around because we want to believe deep down that our mothers love us and tell us the truth. So when that ‘truth’ comes with gut punches, put downs, diminishment, inconsistent love or passive aggressiveness... it’s hard not to believe that we deserve it in someway.
But know this: you deserve to be loved in ways that make you feel good. In ways that feel safe and reciprocal. Full stop.
Adult Daughters of emotionally immature + unavailable mothers - a healing workshop.
You mention that you’ve been working on healing some things and it’s making things harder between the two of you. When I started working on my own stuff, not only did it bring to light things that were messed up and missing from my childhood, but it also plummeted my tolerance level for dealing with people who weren’t interested in doing ‘the work.’
I raised the bar on the standards I was willing to accept for myself and in my relationships. This inevitably meant some relationships had to change. This included the relationship with my mother. I was no longer willing to live in her orbit of drama or chaos. I was no longer willing to put my mental and emotional health on the line to 'keep the peace.' Can you relate?
I’d be interested to know if you’re waiting on your mother to change so you can have the relationship you’ve always wanted with her.
If you are, I’m so sorry to say this, but you’re going to be waiting a very, very long time.
Your mother is only going to change if:
1) she has the desire to do so
2) she has the ability, skills and tools and
3) she can stand to face the deep shame that she feels
These might be hard questions, but it's really important to get clear on them so you aren't endlessly waiting on something that has no chance of happening:
Have you seen your mother make big changes in the past for the betterment of her relationships?
Have you seen her take true accountability for her actions and offer repair when she’s messed up?
Have you seen her be able to put her ego aside and admit when she’s wrong and then move forward with changed behaviour?
Have you experienced her being emotionally mature and able and willing to reflect on how she's contributed to her circumstances?
If the answer to these questions is ‘no’ - then you’re holding onto a false hope. It’s a (completely natural and normal) young part of you that so wishes and hopes that she can be the mom that you want and need her to be. But, unfortunately, it’s not based in reality.
This part of you deserves tenderness and love and permission to be angry and permission to grieve.
And then:
If you want a different relationship with your mother, it’s going to have to be you who changes.
Ugh. I know.
Maybe you choose to really limit your contact with her.
Maybe it means putting boundaries in place for no-fly zones (things like: commenting on your body, your relationship, showing up unannounced, talking about siblings in a disparaging way, borrowing money, etc.)
Maybe it means excusing yourself from the relationship for a certain amount of time so you can continue to focus on your own healing - and then choosing to re-engage when you feel more grounded and secure.
Maybe it means trying to radically accept for who.she.is.
Only you can decide if you are capable of this. From my personal experience, I knew that I wasn’t. My mother impacted my mental health so badly, I knew I needed a very extended break from the relationship. Four and a half years later, I am now able to hold compassion for my mother, but it’s because of the distance I have created between us. I was/am not zen, or ‘healed’ or enlightened enough to deal with her bs and not have it impact me in a very negative way.
So I choose me.
And I hope that you can choose you. Whatever that looks like for you. You aren’t doing yourself (or her) any favours by showing up in a relationship where you have to constantly abandon yourself.
You also aren’t responsible for her happiness, which I know you already know. She's a grown woman (even if she doesn’t act like it) and you can’t heal for her or make her happy. She can only do that for herself. You trying to bend and shapeshift and swallow what you know is true in order to make her happy is an exercise in futility and exhaustion and will not bear any fruit.
Now is the time to focus on you. It is the most loving thing you can do for yourself and even if it doesn’t feel like it, it’s also the best thing you can do for her. Enabling her behaviour will only cause it to continue, which isn't helpful for either of you.
I know showing this fierce kind of love and protection for yourself likely feels very unnatural because you’ve never seen it modeled before. But it’s what is necessary if you don’t want to keep riding this not-so-merry-go-round with her.
Nothing changes if nothing changes.
Are you sick of it enough to do something different?
I do want to end this by saying making drastic changes to your relationship often takes years, if not decades. People who end up going low or no contact with their mothers often do this as a very last resort after trying everything else and having their boundaries blown through time and time again. If you have come to this place, trust that you have done all that you can do and allow yourself time and space to grieve. Estrangement is nothing anyone wants to go through but sometimes it is the only real 'choice' you can make.
Next steps:
Learn: what IS the motherwound + how might it be showing up for you? I strongly recommend taking the Understanding Your Motherwound Workshop.
Get support: find someone to talk to as you move away from centering her in your life. A trauma-informed therapist and/or a coach can be really life-changing here. We can not do this alone. Especially when it comes to our mothers - the pain runs deep, the pull is so strong and society does not support movement away from mother-daughter relationships. You need someone in your corner who understands and who can witness, validate, (gently) challenge and help you process your feelings.
Read: Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson
Prioritize: make a plan on how YOU want to deal with this relationship. Relationships are a two way street and you are not at the whim of her actions and words (or lack thereof). You have voice and agency. Changing the dynamic can be scary, so start small. What's one small thing you can do to reclaim some of your personal power and re-direct the relationship in a direction that's healthiest for you? This can even be the language you use...instead of "I can'tdeal with this anymore" try "I won't deal with this anymore" - doesn't the latter feel much more empowering?
This is some of the hardest work we can do as women. To trust that you can stand on your own two feet - and being willing to let her do the same - is how we break cycles and start new generational legacies. ❤️
Sending my love,
Kristy
Ready to break the cycle and heal your motherwound? Look Here.