3 things you *need* for sustainable recovery
When I see people struggle in their sobriety: trying to moderate (again), trying to convince themselves that they actually don't need to be sober, or multiple reoccurrences (despite a true desire to remain sober) it usually comes down to one of these three things:
1) Acceptance
Acceptance is the golden key when it comes to sobriety. It means you're no longer living in denial about your habits or the chaos alcohol brings with it - internal, external or both. It means that you've fully accepted that alcohol can no longer play a role in your life. It's no longer an option.
It's like realizing that you're allergic to peanuts and peanuts can no longer be in your life, or your chances of having a very serious incidient sky-rocket. People who are allergic to peanuts? They don't keep peanuts in their house (see environment, below). They don't try and sneak a Reese's peanut butter cup now and then. They aren't tricking themselves into peanuts being okay "just this once" or "because it's a Friday" because they know peanuts means destruction to their body, and potentially their life. Peanuts? Not worth it.
Same thing happens when you accept that alcohol can no longer play a role in your life.
Heads up - here's a couple of things come with acceptance:
First, there's grief. Because yeah, if you've drank for decades, removing alcohol is a big deal. With any change comes loss...even if the change is good. You're allowed to grieve the (temporary) relief that alcohol may have brought. The genuinely fun times you had. The connections it lubricated. The identity if gave you. Grieve them all, without shame. Grieve as long as you need to.
Second, and more attractive (yay!), is the s p a c e that accompanies acceptance. Once you accept alcohol can no longer be a part of your life, it takes takes with it all of the mental space and negotiation that came with drinking. There's no more:
- what will I drink tonight?
- how can I get out of being DD?
- can I try really hard to only have one?
- I need to remember to alternate drinks with water. I HATE WATER.
- how much do I need to budget for booze this week?
- can they notice my speech slowing down? did they hear me slur that word?
- oh god: what did I say last night?
- what did I do last night?
- how can I hide this hangover?
There are dozens more examples like this. But once you accept that alcohol no longer gets a seat at the table in your life, all of this mental noise goes buh-bye. And it's a serious gift.
2) Expanding your window of tolerance for discomfort
This is the second thing that I see people really struggle with. The belief that being uncomfortable might actually kill them. So instead of being uncomfortable, they drink.
Sobriety inevitably means doing things differently and doing things differently usually always has discomfort as a by-product.
A lot of the work I do is with helping you get used to being comfortable with discomfort. To help you learn to tap into your needs and meet those needs instead of participating in default behaviours like: saying yes when you want to say no, not holding yourself or others accountable, not asking for help, avoiding difficult conversations, rescuing other people, etc.
And for many women, it's about learning to stop sacrificing your comfort for the comfort of others - which is actually really uncomfortable!
Learning how to survive other people's discomfort and letting them carry it for themselvesoften ends up being a BIG part of sobriety work.
3) Changing your environment
No one is giving out awards for 'sober person who can handle being around alcohol' okay? You're not more sober if you can go to a bar and hang out with all of your friends while they're getting plastered. What are you trying to prove? Who are you trying to prove it to? And is it actually fun?
Your job, especially in early sobriety (in the first year when things are more precarious) is to protect your sobriety and all of the work you're doing, at all costs. This means creating friction between you and the habit you want to break. If you were trying to get over your nasty cheating ex, you wouldn't tape pictures of them all over your bathroom mirror, would you? No? Okay, then get the booze out of your house. There is absolutely no good reason to have it in your vicinity.
Are patios a trigger for you on hot summer days? If yes, do not accept invites to sit on a patio for drinks.
Is hanging out with that friend group a bit nerve-wracking because all of the activities centre around drinking? Might be time to take a step back from the group.
I know this may seem logical when you're reading it, but so many people think that all they have to do is Not Drink and everything else can stay the same. Spoiler alert: it can't.
You aren't weak because you need to change your environment - you're wise. Because you know that staying sober isn't about relying on willpower (which who has any of that by Wednesday night anyway?)
It's about all kinds of things like: getting yourself a support system, learning new coping strategies, true self care, having hobbies and interests that don't involve drinking, developing self-awareness, emotional sobriety and changing your environment.
Sobriety truly is a life-altering process. It's like birthing a brand new version of yourself into the world and inevitably there will be some growing pains involved. It's about so.much.more than just Not Drinking.
If you're struggling with your sobriety, or on the moderation merry-go-round, take a look at these 3 things and be honest with yourself if you need a little TLC and support around some of them.
A note: This was essay was originally for the subscribers of Soul Notes. If you like reading essays where people admit their faults, embarrassments and missteps while also trying to keep the shame monsters at bay, you should definitely sign up. In the emails we talk about shame-reduction, sobriety, motherwound healing, grief and anything else that’s asking to be explored.